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My 18 year old daughter wants boyfriend to stay......
| Helen: My 18 year old daughter wants boyfriend to stay...... | March 12, 2008, 10:59 am |
| My 18 year old daughter has recently started a relationship and so have I. We have both been 'dating' for four months. My boyfriend has just started to stay nights. My daughter would like hers to stay too. I think she is too young to have him to sleep over. How do I approach this? I don't want to be called two faced. | |
| re: My 18 year old daughter wants boyfriend to stay...... by Experience Matters | March 12, 2008, 11:34 am | |
| Are you two faced? I know answering a question with a question is a bit frustrating, but often when we wonder what someone else will think about us we are projecting on to them thoughts we have about ourselves. Your question reminds me of a time many years ago when I was visiting a friend's aunt. My friend's then nine-year-old cousin was arguing about a programme she wanted to see on television. She and her mother wanted to watch different things. The young girl said to her mother, 'why do you always decide?' The mother replied, 'I bought the telly', to which the reply, 'it's not fair' was shouted. Her mother replied, 'when you are a mother you can make the same decision!' I've often wondered what kind of relationship that duo had when the daughter grew up. Fortunately you are not quite so dictatorial which is why this decision is causing you some difficulties as you know it is not as simple as 'I'm the mum!' A useful thing to do is to imagine this dilemma was one that a friend brought to you rather than yours. What would you say to your friend? What are the reasons you worry about your daughter having her boyfriend to stay? Is it because you are unsure about her relationship, are you concerned that this might be the first of many and you don't want to share your home with a run of strangers? Do you think she should be dating longer before she has him to stay? Is it really to do with age? Would she ever in your opinion be old enough? Now think about yourself - what are the reasons you think it is right for you to have someone to stay? Is it because you feel committed and believe this relationship to be long term? Do you see them as becoming part of the family? Do you think you are older and therefore wiser in matters of the heart? Do you think you will be less hurt if it goes wrong? When you have clarified your feelings you will be clear why you have misgivings. You will now have a rational and well thought out position. This is the time to have a chat with your daughter and see where she is coming from and what her views are. Remember she is 18 so she is an adult and needs to be treated as one. Discussions like this are really important, in fact even more than the outcome as they are the beginning of negotiating a different more adult relationship with your daughter. Get it wrong and it can take a long time to get things back on an even keel. It can help to run through what you are going to say to her to ensure you don't become the overbearing Mum. Ask her how she feels about your boyfriend staying? Maybe that feels a bit soon to her? Did you ask her if he could stay? Tell her your concerns and see if you can come to a compromise, stay adult at all times. There are no rules for this one so it is up to the two of you to work this out. The decision needs to be one that makes you and her feel good. The important thing is that the two of you talk and come to an agreement that suits you both. Remember your relationship with your daughter is definitely going to be a long term one. |
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