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My mother died recently

Sharon: My mother died recently

June 10, 2010, 1:20 pm

I’m 59 and my mother died recently. She and I had a difficult relationship and till the end she was irritable with me. I never did anything right. We did have some good times, too, and although I’m glad she’s not snapping at me anymore, I do feel odd. I can’t quite imagine life without her. Also, as my father died a few years ago, I’ve realised I’m now the ‘next generation’. I need some advice on how to get through this time.

I don’t think anything prepares us for that moment when we become an orphan. I know that sounds odd as you’re not a child. However, in relation to our parents, we’re still their children; hence them feeling they can tell us off and us feeling lost without them. I don’t think it’s any easier to lose a parent even if we had a difficult relationship as it’s such a fundamental one. I’d suggest you do the following:

• Write down all the positives about your mother
• Think of all the attributes you have that you got from her and possibly your children, too
• Think of 10 positive things she said to you (I’m sure there were lots)
• Create a picture of the good bits of your mother and put those into your memory bank

Holding negative memories only makes us bitter and stops us reaping the benefits of the relationship. Really practise holding on to these so you can call on the good bits when you need to. Now think of a moment when you might miss her. Think what she might say to you – even if it’s negative. Decide if you agree and if it’s good advice. Mothers often have excellent advice but the way they say it sometimes makes it hard to hear. If it’s good, act on it; if not, dump it. If you do this, you’ll always have her there inside your head but in a positive way.

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