Keren Smedley 31st January 2017

take look in mirrorFor my blog this week I am answering a question that I have often been asked.

We all have questions whatever our age when it comes to matters of the heart and sexual relationships. When we were younger it seemed easier to ask for advice but with increasing years we believe that as experienced individuals, we should know the answers.  Of course, that isn’t true and we need to get better at asking.

Question: I’ve been on my own for a while and I would like a relationship. Whenever I think about dating I go cold, as I can’t bear the thought of anyone touching me, even a hug gives me shivers, and taking my clothes off…. I dread looking in the mirror and seeing myself. I don’t look like I used to and I know these feelings are stopping me meeting someone.

Answer:  It’s easy, as we get older to hanker after a time in our life when we imagined we looked effortlessly lovely!  As you know, by looking back at old photographs, this is almost certainly not the case.  So, forget about the past and concentrate on the world as it is, not as it was. Accentuating the positive is the only course of action, not only to make you happier but healthier, too.

For a start, it can be surprisingly cheering to remember all the ‘firsts’ you’ll never have to go through again. Just imagine never having to sit for all those exams, taking your driving test, getting drunk, etc etc. Thank goodness all that’s behind you! Of course, there are undeniably moments we all wish we could experience again, going abroad for the first time,  meeting our first love, giving birth to our first child.  

If it’s true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the first beholder who needs to see you as beautiful is yourself.  Once you can do that, then you’re no longer dependent on others to make you feel good. And you CAN do it for yourself. You CAN be as beautiful as you feel.

The magic of this is that, as soon as you see yourself as beautiful, so do others. It’s infectious and has nothing to do with how you look in relation to any perceived stereotype. We also often foolishly compare ourselves with others but, as each person is unique, comparisons are as futile as they are irrelevant.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror and focus on all your good points. Start with the physical ones and make a list e.g. good ankles, nice teeth, hair, eyes etc. Now make a list of your qualities e.g. good listener, good sense of humour. Once you have your lists, read them three times a day to yourself and focus your attention on these positive attributes throughout the day.

You’ll be surprised how quickly you begin to feel positive about yourself and you’ll be back dating in no time.

Contact me at www.experiencematters.org.uk with your questions.

Best wishes, Keren


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